Melissa: Hey there business owner, you know, as we grow our business, we sometimes hit plateaus where we feel like we are not growing, or we are not getting what we want out of our business. And we feel like we need to jump ship and try something new. I'm here to tell you that's not necessarily true. Sometimes we just need to dive deeper into what we are doing and do it better.
I would like to invite you to my next workshop, November 18th at 2:00 PM, three visibility strategies you must use in your business as a brick and mortar business owner for 13 years. I totally get that there comes a time and point in your business when you are done doing all the things and you want your time back.
So come to this free workshop and I'm going to tell you how to be the only option in town, attracting more dream clients and getting more profits in your pocket. All by doing less work. So grab your spot, go to MsMelissarose.com /freeworkshop. And I'll see you on November 18th now for a very special guest. Let's get real.
Hey there everybody. Welcome back to another episode of brick and mortar visibility. I am super excited for you guys to hear from our guests today. She and I are in the same coaching group and we were in a mastermind together and I just loved her energy and wanted to learn more about her.
She had written a book and I thought it was just super important for all of us, especially as business owners who really are high-achievers right. This is no small endeavor to open up a storefront to share your passion
and then a lot of us are moms and partners in life, and we have that to handle too. So Elayne Fluker is just a gem of a person. She shares so much wisdom. I'm super excited for you guys to hear from her, but her book is get over, I got it. How to stop playing superwoman, get support, and remember that having it all doesn't mean doing it all alone.
Come on. Is that not just the best title? Like it just covers everything. Right. And I want you guys to hear from her because she just really genuinely gives us some actionable tools to help us because a lot of us maybe don't get the support and help we need, but that all comes back to us. Right. Because maybe we're not asking for it, or we're not knowing when to ask for it because we don't want to be perceived as weak or that we don't have our stuff together. And Elayne just really helps us break it down and give us an approachable actionable way to do that
On her website, Elaynefluker.com. She says as an ambitious woman who has been successful in your career and who is used to making it happen on your own at all costs, you may be prone to saying I got it.
Without even thinking, whenever somebody dares to offer you support, but having it all doesn't mean doing it all SIS, especially when it comes to your dreams of launching your business, building your personal brand and doing the work that truly fulfilles you. You guys, I am super excited for you to listen and learn from the beautiful Elayne Fluker enjoy y'all
okay, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of brick and mortar visibility. My name's Melissa Rose, and I'm super excited about our beautiful guest today.
This is Elayne fluker welcome to the podcast, Elayne
Elayne: thank you so much for having me, Melissa. I'm excited to be here.
Melissa: Yes, Elaine is our first author. You guys, and she is the author of get over. I got it. And she is going to share with us some beautiful wisdom on getting help. First of all, tell us who you are, what you do and who you serve Elayne.
Elayne: Yeah, thanks again for having me here. Thank you so much for the invitation. I'm excited to chat with you about this because it is something that I have. Well, I guess it's grown in passion for me to help other unapologetically ambitious women be able to ask for and accept support, because sometimes we don't even have to ask. The support is there, but we don't know how to accept it because we're moving so fast and saying, I got it. Quote unquote, I got it. So that's where that idea comes from. Get over. I got it saying I got it as sort of a trigger response. Whenever support shows up for us, but I came into doing this because I've worked in media for 20 plus years, then started my business in 2014 I believe it was officially jumped ship. I was at Martha Stewart Omni media at the time. And during that process as an entrepreneur, trying to figure things out, first of all, I don't suggest you just jumped ship, have to have a plan, let me just say that.
But that said. I did have a period where I felt like I was just trying to figure things out on my own and whether it was believed or, actual, I felt very alone during that time. I was living in New York and trying to figure things out and, it was a lot going on and then a lot not going on as far as direction of where I want it to go. And at the time a couple of friends of mine suggested that I attend this workshop called momentum, which I talk about in the book. And that was a game changer for me. It's a personal development workshop. But in addition to the other content and things that they had that were so powerful and transformational witnessing the struggle of other successful people.
I mean, politicians, actors, business, people, all kinds of new Yorkers, you know, so there's that certain drive that we have as new Yorkers asking for two things, love and support were the hardest things for us to do. And sometimes seeing that in someone else is sort of like, oh, Hey, I think I have that problem too. So that's where that came up for me. And after leaving the workshops or completing, I should say the workshops I was using the phrase, oh, support is sexy to try to remind myself to keep that energy going kind of thing. And then I started saying it to other women and I started seeing them light up when I said it. And I was like, I think we're onto something here. Like this is really resonating with people. And then when the idea of later much later on came up to do two years, in fact, to do the podcast, I thought support is sexy. I'm going to talk about the idea of women and entrepreneurs. Yes. Was, is the basis of my podcast, but really I talk about the role that support plays in your journey. So that's how that developed, which eventually led to the book, but it was really a personal thing for me in the beginning and through, you know, my work and just wanting to transition into entrepreneurship and feeling overall or learning, I guess about myself. Wow. I have some limiting beliefs around support.
Melissa: You talked about love and support what people need, love and support. That's what they wanted. And they go together. You feel loved when you are supported . Talk to us a little bit about the mindset of asking for help getting help. What do you see?
Elayne: First I want to acknowledge what you just said. That's so beautiful. I never thought of that. And no one else has ever pointed it out. When I mentioned that idea of love and support were the two things that were hardest. And I mean, like Boohoo crying, you know, struggled through the exercise in order to ask for those two things, but they do go together. Right. You feel loved when you're supported, you feel supported when you're loved and that's, it's very observant of you. For women, I also wanna acknowledge. There might be reasons that we have some fear right around asking for support, especially, let's say in a setting at the job, for example, you might have fear or some reasonable, hesitation about why you don't want to ask your boss for help on a project, or even admit that you might need some help because you look at things like salary equity, which does not exist here, certainly in the United States, women still make less than men, women of color make less than that. So it's just all these other outside forces, if you will, that's not a blaming thing. And we're certainly not being victims here. We don't do that. Right. But it's always good to acknowledge. There might be reasons why women struggle with this, right? It's not our hysteria as they used to try to make us think. So there's that. So I do want to acknowledge that, but that said getting support is the best way to overcome those things and knowing how to ask for support, which I know we can talk about some. actionable steps I can, I'm happy to share of how you can sort of make the ask if you will. But so those beliefs and those things are there because they've been planted there honestly, and then having this discussion, and this is my mission really is to talk about, okay, there might be some, environmental things, a societal things that make you feel like you can't ask, or that you'll be judged for asking, or that you'll seem weak or that. And we can also talk about social media, right? There's reasons that we might think everybody's doing it on their own or being fabulous on their own. Taking perfect pictures all the time. You know, all of those things, that's not just something that impacts teenagers or young girls. It impacts all of us in our psyche, this visual of what we think, what we're projecting onto the picture. It's not even necessarily what the picture says, right. That person doesn't write underneath. I created this picture in one single shot and it came out perfect. Now that's what we were projecting on there. So again, just acknowledge some of the reasons why, but it's important for us to have discussions like this, about how do we move beyond that once we know that that's something that might be affecting us and make healthy choices for ourselves.
Melissa: I was listening on one of your podcasts. You had a guest and it just resonated so much with me. Not only asking for how, but we don't want to burden other people with our problems. We know that everybody has their own journey they're going through and they're struggling. So the perception that we put off without even realizing it is that we have it together and therefore people don't offer to help. And I experienced this. I have friends experiencing this. I'm a single mom of five kids. And for example, picking up my kid from the musical practice and I offer the neighbor, girl ride, and. I don't want to be like snarky about it, but they're married three kids and I'm offering to pick up their kid, but the favor isn't reciprocated. And I'm like, why is that? And then I listened to your podcast. I was like, it's probably because Melissa you've come across that you have all your ducks in a row and you don't need the help. And I shared that with a friend. It was eyeopening for both of us, just this, like, huh? How we come across and that we want to come across that way. Of course, you know, we don't want to look like we're frazzled. But at the same time, that kind of kicks us in the butt when we actually need the help. And it is hard to ask. So let's go right into the tactical. Like, how do you ask, how do you, open that up and be vulnerable.
Elayne: Well, I first, I just love that example that you just use. And I was thinking before you shared your own, Dr. Zoe Shaw, who's a psychologist who I interviewed in my book who talks about retiring your superwoman Cape. And she gave not in the book, but just in conversation with me, a personal example of how.one of her friends of her group of girlfriends. I think she broke her foot or some kind of surgery is something she had to have. And she was saying how they all got together and they made this person dinner every night and they made sure she was okay. You know, she just said she was so proud of herself and her friends, how they all showed up to support this other friend of hers, she said, but she had had the surgery. Maybe a few months ago or a year ago, I have her long ago and everybody didn't do that. So she felt some type of way, like, well, wait, why, why are we all getting together and planning meals and doing these things for her? And she said, one of her girlfriends said to her, oh, we didn't think you need the help. We thought you always have it so together. Now that said. I will say nothing's wrong with having it together or being the person who can pick up, and I know you're not saying this, but this is something that I used to struggle with around support. I thought I had to be frazzled in order to get help, or when I grew up, my parents were the house where everyone in our family would come when there are different kinds of issues or things going on, you know, life things, not anything spectacular, someone's going through a problem, a divorce, drugs, abuse, whatever it is, my parents because my mom is the oldest in our family was that house, but I later realized in therapy, Melissa, I associated support with crisis. You know, or weakness and this is, again, my perception as a child. That's not what it means at all. So I just want to share in your example and Zoe's example and just my own, we might have this perception that support means things are falling apart, or that to get support. We have to either share or look like things are falling apart. So that goes directly to your question of how do we make the ask. Yeah.
Melissa: Yes, yes. And you don't feel that it's warranted because it's like, my ships, aren't all burning. I'm okay. I just need, can somebody pick up my kid, you know? It is interesting. The realization of crisis and feeling like we aren't allowed to ask for it, even, even housecleaning. Like, I don't really need it, but it would be really nice. So I'm not going to do it because it's not, a, dire need right now. Right? So
Elayne: maybe, but it, or is it, could it be something that would allow you, you know, and my dad played, if you think about what else it could help you be able to do when you're not having to clean the house, , or if you say maybe a with carpool. If you say to a group of moms or parents in the neighborhood, Hey, I'm really looking at how to do a quick carpool figure out something that could be an email thread, you know, so we can coordinate times or something like that in order to pick up the kids or directly to your neighbor. Hey, what do you think if I pick up Sarah on Wednesday and Thursday and you come up on Monday and Tuesday. Sometimes people aren't even there, everyone is just moving through their lives. Right. And they might be like, oh yeah, that would actually work for me. That's great. Because I have off on Monday and Tuesday, the thing is we don't create the space for it. Right. So. Yeah. There's no space for you. You're not asking, or you are asking them giving us not our problem.
Melissa: Well, there's two parts to this, right? When you're saying this, I'm like the logic of all, this is overwhelming. Like, come on Melissa. Like pull it together,
Elayne: They might be able to think, oh my God, Melissa. So nice. She takes daughter to practice every day. What can we do for her? Let's buy her a bottle of wine. Well, that might be great, but you really could use your, you know what I mean? So it's just like tell people, I always say, make it easy for people to support.
Melissa: How do you make it easy for people to support you?
Elayne: So first I'll say the way to even remember, because again, most of us are just moving through our lives and not even thinking, let me pause for a second or let me not say, as I always say I got it. , and let me think, well, maybe I could use help with this. So I say, remember what I call my help model. H E L P. So the H is having it all doesn't mean doing it allalone. Right. So with being the best mom or being the together mom or being the best boss or any of those things, you don't have to do it alone in order to quote unquote, have it all. And I'll also talk about in the book, all is different for all of us, right? We all have to define it for ourselves, but having it all doesn't mean doing it all alone. So to be successful and fulfilled and all of those things support, I think, as you said so beautifully and love go together. You need both, the E is to ask empowering questions. So the question that is not empowering is why am I so stupid? Why can't I figure this out? Why haven't I gotten this together? You know, why didn't they invite me to speak at this event? An empowering question might be, what's a way for me to figure out how to get on the radar of my boss for this project. Who can I talk to? Who has already done whatever thing, who in the neighborhood might be interested in a quick carpool schedule for us to come up with when to take the kid or on a team, maybe it's a team who, on the team, the parents of the kids on the team might be interested in doing a carpool certain days. Sometimes our mind, even our critical mind just might go to, oh, well, if I ask them, what will they think of me if I ask this as opposed to, how could this help everybody. Even that's a powerful question, right? . The L is to let go of the how and live the question. I talked about earlier, planning planning is great, but sometimes I think we're too rigid around ourplans when we have an idea, especially about asking for support, we're not, again, creating space for serendipity possibility, all the things that come in as part of life and surprise us.
So open-ended questions, could be helpful, and then live. The question is something that I received as a message from Patricia Moreno, who was a guest on my podcast episode 26. X-rays so a long, long time ago, but she said this idea of living the question when she was creating her program intensity, which is what she is the creator of and living the question means not necessarily trying to come up with the asnwers. Which I know Melissa, if you're like me, well, I know you always come up with the answers cause you said you're a mom of five, a single mom. You got, you have people, your kids want to come to you, but they don't come to the questions because moms especially visit, you know, it's just like, can you imagine not having the, the answer, but I will tell you I've done this in practice again. I know it might sound. Patricia Marino said it to me and I was like, oh my God. So live the question means, for example, what's a way that I can create more time throughout my day so that I can focus on my business. And then you pause, right? You just let that question sit out there. Or what's the way that I don't have to run around as much during the day. And I can be more flexible with my time and make sure the kids get to everywhere they need. So she talks about that creates space again, for these possibilities to come up. And then, you know, from a psychological standpoint, it's sort of like, if you say a red Jeep Wrangler is one of the cars that I want to get. Right. Eventually once I tell someone, oh, I love the red Jeep Wrangler. All of a sudden, all I see are red Jeep Wranglers, right. Or you say, oh, I want to get pregnant. All of a sudden it's like, it's so many pregnant women. No, Your mind is just activated to see that. So in the same way, living in that question, it happens all the time. Certain opportunities come up that might be, you know, very much in line with what I'm working on or a person might come along or whatever it is. And these different ways that you wouldn't have been able to quote unquote plan. But at least you put that question out there and really it's not, I mean, it's magical, but it's not magic. It really is again just activating your mind. And then you're more aware, which is what it is, right. You're all of a sudden you're seeing the red Wranglers where they've already been there, but now I'm just kind of on the lookout. So that's the idea of live the question and then the P is believe in the possibilities. So we can't do all these other things, right. Or talk about all these other things and then not believe in the possibilities or the magic or the opportunities or things that are going to show up.
So again, that comes with that flexibility and creating space. So that's one of the ways to remember and asking for help. And that it's, you know, again, not a sign of weakness, not a sign of mess or craziness or anything like that. It's actually a sign of strength. I want to get support for this thing, because it matters to you.
Melissa: Oh, I love the acronym. That's lovely. Okay. Talk to me a little bit about the book because you captured stories from different people. So tell us, your favorite part of the book and what people are loving about it.
Elayne: I would say one of the most powerful conversations in the book that really, seems to resonate with folks. Is an interview I did with, Congent Ferell who's in psychologist, also in Los Angeles. And she talks about how falling back doesn't mean you fall off. So the importance of falling back and knowing that we all have seasons, that's something that I had to learn. Another beautiful lesson I got from her that life is about seasons. So while you might be having your summer and you know, things are on and popping for you, everything's going great businesses growing your family's doing wonderful. All these things. I might be going through a winter. Right. So, which is doesn't mean a necessarily bad season, but it might be more of a season of reflection or a season of planning or a season of figuring out what's going to be the next move and that, kind of thing. And I actually feel like I'm going from a fall into a winter right now. So not seasons based on our actual seasons seasons, personal right. Seasons personal. But just this idea of knowing that we all go through different seasons at different times. So sort of taking a moment to pause and recognize that, because I don't know about you. I have often tried to push in a time of a winter when I shouldn't, you know, and it's like, maybe this is my winter. Maybe I'm supposed to reflect during this time. This is not my summer for, to summer in the middle of winter, but it has helped me sort of just think about circumstances a little bit differently so that it, especially as an entrepreneur, I'm sure, you know, ups and downs people have told me entrepreneurship was up and down, but they didn't say it was in the same day.
And I've been, you know, like quarter to quarter and I'm like, I can do that in the morning. It's great by noon Im ready to cry. So what just happened? Where did that kinda, I liked just that happened to me yesterday. I was like, oh, this day started off. Great. And now I don't know what just happened. Right. But you have to be ready for that. Right. So when you look at overall your circumstances, it just makes you feel like, you know what or helps me, I should say, be like, you know what? This might be a great time to plan. This might be a slower season for me or this might, you know, instead of it, meaning again, that I'm weak or I messed up or it's a disaster. Could it be some indication that I might be pushing for a summer during a time that it's a winter? So that one is one of that was really powerful for me.
Melissa: Yes. Pushing through. This is what we do. We just push through women and business owners. We pushed through, we pull up our bootstraps,
Elayne: Sometimes in the summer when things are going really well, we're expecting it's all of a sudden be winter or the other shoe to drop, as they say. Right. I don't know if you go through that or maybe anyone listening, like things are going so well. I'm so afraid. It's like, well, maybe you're just having a great summer right now. Right? So sometimes we don't even accept the it's easy for us. I'm trying to push to make things work, but sometimes hard to accept when things are working. You're having a great season right now. Let's enjoy it.
Melissa: And that's something I tell my clients too, to acknowledged the good and celebrate the good. I say it to my clients, but you know, it's always meant for me too, because we're always what's next. Okay. Hit that goal or check that one off. Let's move on and just calm down, breathe, enjoy, celebrate and move on.
How does one avoid the burnout feeling I would love to hear your definition of burnout and maybe some tips or tools or strategies that you have.
Elayne: Yes. Well, burnout, I'm paraphrasing here, but usually it's defined as a feeling of overwhelm. Sometimes you become apathetic about the work that you're doing or whatever you're working on at the time and feelings can become feelings of stress. Sometimes they can turn into feelings of depression. Again, sometimes you can end up being apathetic and not want to do anything at all. Sometimes there's other physical things that happen when you. With a burnout, like whether it's heart palpitations, which we hope not panic attacks, anxiety, a lot of those things are a result of burnout, which is really just, pushing too hard for too long without taking care of yourself. Again, that's my own definition. I won't say necessarily how to avoid it. That might look different for everyone. But what I hope, especially for women is how to recognize when you start having those feelings and then stepping back for a second and saying, how can I get support at this time? Right. So a lot of times we are feeling burnout when we feel alone or we feel like it's all too much, or we feel like for whatever reason, we have to do it by ourselves. Right. And support might not look like calling a friend to help have them help you with the, whatever it is, which it might, but I just want to open our minds again to the possibilities of it might look like, let me do some research real quick and just see if there's an organization that can help me with this thing or see if there's a group that I can join. Or it might look like, let me, read this book on this particular topic or listen to this book. Maybe you don't have time to read something right now. So sometimes I think we, might, restrict ourselves to what the support looks like. Like I mentioned about letting go of the how, but when you're in a place of burnout, there could be all kinds of resources or opportunities there for you to say, let me just step back for a minute, one and think what is causing. That's important too. Right? Is it really the kids or is it that you're upset about losing this client? Is it really the business or is it, you know, your relationship is kind of toxic at this time, or isn't good for you at this time? You know, kind of pinpointing where the actual stress might come from is helpful or I've been in that situation where I figure out, you know, what I'm acting out here. This is impacting my business because I'm really upset about this other thing. Or for example, with me, I'm a caregiver for my parents. Thank goodness. They're both, you know, independent and living on their own, both of them in their nineties. Fantastic. But, for me in the beginning, I was becoming burnt out because I was trying to run back and forth whenever they asked me to I'm about 25 minutes from them. So not far, but, you know, doctor appointments run back and forth and run back and forth. It would interrupt my day for my business. It was stressed me out. I couldn't make appointments because I was always trying to move around the their appointments. Like I said, they don't know. They're just like, oh, you're great. You're entrepreneurial that works from home. You can just run over here whenever you need. It was burning me out, stressing me out. And then I start to resent them and I'm feeling angry and all these other things. I got to a point where I think with the help of my coach realized I need to put us all on a schedule. So I know that every Saturday and they know Saturday, I come over from this time to this time. I mean, that part is flexible, but this is a day where I don't bring a laptop. I do have my phone, but I try not to look at my phone and whatever they want. In fact, I have them create a daughter do list. Anytime they think of something during the week, obviously it's not anything urgent. Just write it down and we can go over it together and talk about it. I want you to watch a movie with us, or I want you to take me to the store. I want to go out or I need help with the computer but you know, this way, it's a dedicated time.
And they know they're getting that time. And I know that I can focus on that time and that has relieved the stress from our relationship so that's just an example of thinking about, you know, what what's really causing me anxiety or feelings of burnout. in the relationship or whatever I'm doing. What's a way that I can possibly, get some support. And they support me by saying, oh, okay. They don't care. They just want some time. Right. Then I didn't want to know that their stuff is taken care of going over papers or whatever that is. We do that then. And then with the appointments I tell my mom, try not to make an appointment without us talking about it. If I'm going to take you, because I don't want you to make it, we have to cancel and call back. So she finds out from the doctor. Calls me. We talk about my time. I said, oh, okay. Yeah, I can do that time from here to here. Or we find another ride for her. So that relieves the stress of her feeling like, oh, I can't get to the doctor cause she doesn't drive anymore.
So that's just an example, a personal example of the sheriff, you know, what is really the thing that's causing the problem. Now I don't have that stress in that way and it doesn't impact other parts of my life or business. They don't have that stress anymore of, oh, when are you coming over? When are you coming over? They just say, what time you coming over on Saturday?
Melissa: And that's a very tactical example and I can't help but think back to the top of our conversation when you were leaning in about giving your space, like, I didn't have this space or the margin, even to process how I could create more freedom for myself or how I could help that other family. And. I think that might be an umbrella of it all of having the time management awareness, like what you said about designating a day. I mean, that just makes so much sense. Right. But that comes down to. Being mindful of your time and respecting your time so that you can give the best,
Elayne: And feeling the pain of it, not working the other way. That's the thing about stepping back to the knowledge, it's just like this isn't working, but sometimes again, we're pushing through.
Melissa: Yes, yes, yes. So we have to take the time to assess what's going on and living in the question and asking those questions, how can I do that? So taking that time, which then ultimately creates more time and less stress for us because we're then getting the help. So it comes back to that little 15 minute window, maybe of asking the question, asking those empowering questions and living in that question of, okay, what can we do? So much of our stress is because we're bombarded with so much and we want to get the help, but we have to go back further. I think, I feel like that's where people are like, I need the help, but I don't know where to get it because we're not taking the time to really assess. So back to the book, when people take this book, what is your hope that they get from it?
Elayne: Yes, I think the, subtitle probably says it best how to stop playing Superwoman. Get support and realize that having it all doesn't mean doing it all alone. And that's what I want women to know. Not only does it not mean doing it all alone to know that you're not alone.
Melissa: Elaine Fluker it was a complete joy to have you on the podcast. This was a gift I'm so excited for people to learn about you and learn about your book. Where can they get your book? Where's the best place.
Elayne: You can go to amazon.com and you can search Elaine ELA, Y N E F L U K E R. And the book will come up there. And you can learn more about me just at my website, elaynefluker.com. And I would love to connect with anyone on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is where I have my biggest community, where I actually love to engage with people where I do live chats with people as guests as well. So you can ask your questions on there. So I'm really making sure that I invite people to join me on Linkedin.
Melissa: Wonderful. And of course check out her podcast support is sexy. I love it. It's a great podcast. Yes. See. All right, Elaine. Thank you so much for being here and everybody go check her out, support her as she's giving us some great wisdom. All right, peace out guys. We'll see you here. Same time, same place next week. Bye-bye.